Yesterday I had the privilege of having my way paid to attend the Story conference here in Chicago. So while my brain is still processing the whole concept of “story” in my life, I want to tell you my story about God’s provision.
Our main character is a girl who wants to go to seminary. And let me tell you, she must indeed overcome conflict to get it.
(I’ll switch to first person now, so this doesn’t get weird)
After I made the decision to go to seminary, I hit lots of bumps in the road (so to speak). My car got stolen not once, but twice. Around that same time, my laptop died. I bought the only car I could afford (which all too quickly turned into the car I can’t afford due to the amount of repairs I’ve had to make). Then I had to pry myself from the death-grip Boston had on my heart and move halfway across the country to Chicago. (In case you weren’t aware, moving vans= not cheap). So I’m at home in the midwest with no friends and no job and… another set of car repairs.
A few days before school I was in tears, not knowing how I was going to be able to afford life, and questioning whether or not this whole seminary thing was the right move. My doubt level was high, my trust in God low. Luckily, my mom was there to calm me down. She encouraged me, prayed with me and helped me make a budget. She told me to make a list of the things I needed and see how God would provide. I scoffed through my final round of tears (budgeting when you have no money to budget with is not at all comforting), but I didn’t hesitate to acknowledge my needs.
My list went something like this:
- laptop
- software
Days later I asked my brother (an Apple employee) to help me fix up an old [crummy] computer I have. He graciously conceded but then asked me why he would fix my computer if I had a new computer? Confused, I followed the finger pointing to his personal laptop which was now sitting on my bed. What?! Dude, my brother GAVE ME HIS COMPUTER. This time, my tears were of joy. But to top it off, the next thing out of his mouth was “Oh, and the software you wanted is on the way, on me”. Now I was speechless… except for mumbling thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou over and over again like a grateful idiot.
Then my dad was able to hire me to do part time office work, and a few days into school I had met with the graphic design department and secured several paying projects right on campus. So, over the past few months, life has been good. Classes– for the most part– have been engaging and I’ve already learned so much. My homework consists of either reading the bible or reading about it. I’ve already met a wonderful man (hold your horses, I’ll get to that in a later post). Sometimes I actually pinch myself to see if I’m not in some crazy amazing dream.
But the cycle of provision comes in waves. The laptop that my brother so generously bestowed upon has terminal cancer and was dead for over a week, so I did not have a computer to use. Which meant I could not do work, which means I could not make money. That was the second death of a computer. Now my car in is for the second (oops, now third) set of repairs. And I think… if only my car that never needed repairs hadn’t been stolen… twice.
When I hit these hurdles, I feel discouragement descend and my first thought is that this is all a big mistake, that I am not supposed to be in seminary. I was nuts to quit my full-time job with benefits to spend money I don’t have on a luxury like a seminary education. I have no money, no time to balance schoolwork and job that will pay the bills.
And then I wonder why things seem to hit not once but twice. Like when you’re playing the waves at the beach, and all of a sudden that one big wave knocks you over, and just as soon as you get up for air, a second one hits, and you feel like if you have to taste salt water one more time you’ll give up… But I chose to put a positive spin on this idea. Maybe things happen twice because the first time, God says “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you”. And He does, and I believe that He will provide. And then it’s like the second time He says , “No, Sarah, I WILL take care of you”. And I have to surrender all doubt and embrace His continuous and abounding provision and blessing in my life. Maybe once isn’t enough, that God wants to drive the point home.
Last week I was reading Luke 12 where Jesus is teaching about being watchful, for you do not know when the master, the Son of God, will return. I like to notice the context that bible stories are in, given that chapters & headings weren’t in the original Greek. The passage immediately proceeding this is the famous “do not worry” passage, which ends with Jesus telling us to store our treasure in heaven. Let me round up my train of thought and put it to you plainly what Jesus is saying here:
1. Do not worry, God will provide
2. Actually, He wants to give us His Kingdom
3. So don’t collect possessions on earth where they can be STOLEN, etc., build up your treasure in heaven because
4. Jesus is coming back soon! (and we get to party in the Kingdom!)
Basically… the answer this gives to my problems of no money and loss of possessions is a big SO WHAT?!
Yeah, so what? What do cars and computers and dollars matter? Oh right, THEY DON’T. Because if it won’t be important in eternity, it shouldn’t be important now.
There are a lot of chapters in my story, because I will continue to have conflict, to have needs, and God will continue to provide. And the end of my story isn’t here on earth, it isn’t getting everything I want, it’s being taken care of by the Master, who will someday come back and I better have stocked up some of that treasure in heaven.
Now I have a computer, thanks to my dad who bought a new laptop so I could have his. I am so blessed to have people around me who have helped me in way that might seem small, but have meant something great. While I’m not sure what to do about my lemon of a car, I have faith that God will take care of me, again. And again.
And you know what, despite all odds, I never have I been more sure that I am in the right place and that Big G is down with me being here. He has been faithful… beyond all measure. And there is no way I deserve any of it, but you better believe I am going to make the most of my seminary experience.